


This is Gospel or The One Where Dean Takes His Feelings To The Grave Like A Dummy

by moshpitthecat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Depressed Dean, Destiel - Freeform, End of the World, Hurt Dean Winchester, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mark of Cain, Not Happy, One Shot, Post-Episode: s10e22 The Prisoner, Season/Series 10 Spoilers, Song Lyrics, Songfic, Suicidal Dean, Suicidal Thoughts, Unresolved Emotional Tension, dean is stubborn, major character death kinda, no hope, reflecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2016-11-26
Packaged: 2018-09-02 08:03:56
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8659123
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moshpitthecat/pseuds/moshpitthecat
Summary: "Dean wasn’t certain just where in his life someone decided to put his chess piece next to Cas’ but he was damned grateful. Cas was willing to sacrifice himself for no other purpose than to protect Sam and Dean. Sure, the brothers had each-others backs no matter what, because that’s is what family is supposed to do, but Cas? He stuck around because he wanted to. Dean had never had anything like that in his life before; someone who knew all the skeletons in the closet and still stuck around. No matter the physical and mental cost to himself." Dean is going through with the plan that Death suggested and it struggling with some feels.Song is: This is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry, I was feeling grumpy today and decided that Dean needed to suffer along with me. Contemplating a happier ending, we'll see if I actually write a second chapter...

_-This is gospel for the fallen ones_  
_Locked away in permanent slumber_  
_Assembling their philosophies_  
_From pieces of broken memories-_

 

Dean had meant the words when he spoke them. “I don't know; there's things, there's people, feelings that I-I want to experience differently than I did before, or maybe even the first time.” Mark be damned. It was the first time for a long time he had voiced it out loud. It felt like a weight was simultaneously lifted and then slammed back down on his chest.

 

 _-Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart_  
_Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart_  
_The gnashing teeth and criminal tongues conspire against the odds_  
_But they haven’t seen the best of us yet-_

 

The father continued on about some chick Dean had mentioned but he was on autopilot; already wrapped in his own thoughts. The last time he had this feeling was when he stood outside with Cas the night before they went off to fight Dick.

“I'm not good luck, Dean.”

“Yeah, but you know what? Bottom of the ninth, and you're the only guy left on the bench... Sorry, but I'd rather have you, cursed or not. And anyway, nut up, all right? We're all cursed. I seem like good luck to you? What?”

“Well, I don't want to make you uncomfortable, but I detect a note of forgiveness.”

“Yeah, well, I'm probably gonna die tomorrow, so...”

Maybe it was the impending death looming over Dean’s head that made everything suddenly seem crystal clear; He was in love with that crazy angel. Most times he could put his stupid feelings on the back burner, or bury them somewhere deep in his mind, but while staring down the barrel of the gun they seemed to bubble up again. Dean wasn’t certain just where in his life someone decided to put his chess piece next to Cas’ but he was damned grateful. Cas was willing to sacrifice himself for no other purpose than to protect Sam and Dean. Sure, the brothers had each-others backs no matter what, because that’s is what family is supposed to do, but Cas? He stuck around because he wanted to. Dean had never had anything like that in his life before; someone who knew all the skeletons in the closet and still stuck around. No matter the physical and mental cost to himself.

“Well, I'll go with you. And I'll do my best.”

 

 _-This is gospel for the vagabonds,_  
_Ne’er-do-wells, insufferable bastards_  
_Confessing their apostasies_  
_Led away by imperfect impostors-_

 

And it was like that any time the brothers dove head first into certain death. The angel was right along beside them. Dean had come to depend on it like he depended on the oxygen in his lungs.

 

 _-Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart_  
_Oh, this is the beat of my heart, this is the beat of my heart-_

 

Dean’s heart sank as he drove back to the listless, dingy motel room they were staying in. His thoughts were thick with memories. The mark was heavy on his arm, not just from its constant blood lust, but for the end of the tunnel that Dean could see each time he closed his eyes. He mulled over his earlier confession in his mind as he took a pull from the room temperature beer in his hand. No matter what ending was coming he knew one thing, he couldn’t put Cas through any more pain. Silence was better than hurting the poor man again. No matter how much Dean wanted it.

 

 _-Don’t try to sleep through the end of the world_  
_Bury me alive_  
_'Cause I won’t give up without a fight_  
_If you love me let me go_  
_If you love me let me go-_

 

“Maybe you could fight the mark for years, maybe centuries like Cain did. But you cannot fight it forever, and when you finally turn, and you will turn, Sam and everyone you know, everyone you love, they could be long dead. Everyone except me. I'm the who'll have to watch you murder the world, so if there is even a small chance that we can save you, I won't let you walk out of this room.”

 

 _-‘Cause these words are knives that often leave scars_  
_The fear of falling apart_  
_And truth be told, I never was yours_  
_The fear, the fear of falling apart-_

Something broke inside of Dean. Those three words played over and over in his head as he sat in the trashed motel room waiting for an answer from Death, feeling the thick blood still covering his hands no matter how hard he scrubbed. “Everyone Except Me.” So even after everything the angel was still going to stay with him. Dean felt his chest grow tight and bile rose from his stomach.

 

 _-Oh, the fear of falling apart_  
_Oh, the fear, the fear of falling apart_  
_Oh (This is the beat of my heart)_  
_The fear of falling apart-_


End file.
